November 2011 my mother was diagnosed with endometrial cancer. I was on my way to school (NSU) and I received a call from my mother and she told me the Doctor said she had cancer and that they had to do a biopsy to see how far along the cancer was. So I immediately pulled my car over and I started questioning my mother. “What do you mean you have cancer? What type of cancer? When is your next appointment?” When I got off the phone with her I couldn’t go to school, I went back home crying couldn’t believe the news I was just given. So I sat my boyfriend (the father of my kids) down and told him the news. I then told him the things I was going to need from him. I said to him, “if my momma calls at 3am or 4am in the morning I am going to need to be there so all I need you to do is take care of the kids.” During another time I also told him that I would never put my mother in a nursing home. (I feel that if you are in a serious relationship you should have those types of conversations with your life partner.) I also mentioned that she will come live with us. I asked him if that was a problem then we need to rethink our relationship right now. (I was dead serious) He was understanding and was there for me and he agreed with me about my decisions. My whole outlook on life changed from here on out. I began to think of what if I lost my mother? What would I do? I began to question God. Something you should never do. I was depressed and I was sad. My mother’s next appointment would be for the Dr. to perform a biopsy. Of course it seemed like forever until her next appointment. (And I was so impatient, b/c I felt like the more you wait the more the cancer is at risk for it to grow) I thanked God that I was able to take care of her and be right by her side during that time. So after that procedure was done she had an appointment for the reading of her biopsy. I really didn’t know what to expect being that this was our first time even being in this type of situation. We waited and then she was called to see the Doctor. The Doctor began to tell my mother about what he saw in the biopsy. He was so compassionate but of course I still didn’t think of the worse. “Louise I’m sorry you have stage 3 cancer” To myself I said “stage 3, isn’t the highest stage 4, oh my God!” At that time I felt as if I was going to faint. But something hit me, I needed to be strong for my mother. But then all my worries and fears had got the best of me. We walked down the hall, into the elevators, and then in the car. Her appointment was 35 mins away so we had some driving to do. My mother seemed to be taking the news pretty well. She wasn’t crying and she didn’t have a worried look on her face. I didn’t know what to say. I was thinking to myself that I wished I could crawl up under a rock and cry but I had to come back to reality that I had to drive us back to home on some news that we had just received. Finally I spoke “So momma how do you feel about what the Doctor said.” Momma response was, “I feel good, and I mean I’m glad I finally know what’s wrong with me.” I didn’t understand at the time why my momma felt the way she did all the while I started hyperventilating and then I started crying while driving. I knew I needed to get it together. My momma also said that when the Doctor read the results a swoosh of air came over her, she said it’s hard to describe but she just felt peaceful. I will never forget that (a swoosh of air came over her and she felt at peace). All this time I thought I was stronger than my momma I was so over protective of her. That was just me, I felt that way,knowing that my mom had endured so much than I could ever endure but I did feel that way. I see now that we have to go through situations in our life to realize and understand why certain things happen. There is always a lesson and a blessing out of every situation. I wasn’t as strong as I thought I was, and I hadn’t faced my true faithfulness in God that I needed to witness and that I needed to follow. So after all that, my mom had to schedule another procedure that required surgery it was going to be a couple of overnight stays in the hospital. There were times I was sad, depressed, and happy but through it all I knew I had to be strong for my mother and for my kids. I was even going through things in my own relationship that I knew I had to put on hold in order for me to focus on my mother, my job, and my kids. Right after my mother had her other procedure done I was about to graduate from NSU, it was one of the most important days of my life. Of course I was sad because my mother wouldn’t be able to make it because of her health conditions. My cousin Carlisha and my son attended!! I was happy someone came. So of course I was very emotional but I kept my composure. I wore a necklace that my mother had brought me for my birthday. That necklace let me know she was there in spirit and that did comfort me. So after my mothers’ recovery from her procedure she than started her chemo in Jan. 2012. To be continued….
Today I accepted that I don’t know. I became okay with not knowing. I made a decision to continue living my life.
I accepted that when it’s time to know I will. I accepted that in life all things won’t be made certain immediately. I accepted that not just yet have I truly begun to know God’s will.
Today I realized that by constantly asking God repeatedly the same questions over and over again. My reliance and trust was no longer in His will.
My reliance was in my protection from being wrong. It was in my protection from being hurt. It was in my protection of failing. What will people say? What will people think? What does it mean if I’ve had it wrong? Is this not my direction in life?
Today I wondered.. if God had answered me.. Would I still be asking the same questions?
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